Everyone seems to be publishing Mother’s Day Gift Guides, and I’m looking at them and thinking NO and NOPE and NEVER and are you a mom and do you even have a mom and do you know any moms because let me tell you, I don’t want any of the crap that I’ve seen posted, except maybe the Tory Burch tote bag, but even then, I’ll buy one myself so NO. Therefore, being a problem solver and a humanitarian, I’m giving you the real deal, the gift guide that will let you upstage your siblings and help whomever is buying anything for the mom in question buy the right stuff. This is the gift guide with the stuff that moms of tweens and teens are wishing they could ask for.
At $29.99, in Tiffany blue, this triple-insulated miracle vessel will keep her wine chilled for 24 hours. Not that any bottle would ever last that long, but still, it’s the thought that counts. She can look classy, and if you paste a photo of you and/or her darling grandkids over the label, no one will even know she’s drinking at the beach or pool.
These low-profile lovelies are selling for $123.99, but they are worth so much more because they are sanity-savers. Know what’s best about them and unlike some others? They drown out all the sounds no matter what. If mom doesn’t want to play music but also doesn’t want to listen to her kids arguing and fighting and wishes with all her heart she could think a thought all the way through without interruption? They will keep things quiet for her. They’re a vacation she can wear on her head without messing up her hair. Only downside? They’re not waterproof, so she can’t wear them in the shower. But still an excellent and thoughtful choice.
A bargain at $21.99, the Guzzle Buddy is a great way to show Mom you care and that you know she’s tired of getting up to get you a drink right after she’s sat down. This will allow her to relax, and she’ll only have to get up to get another bottle. After a long day at work and a longer night herding kids, cats, dogs and stray socks, she’ll be thrilled to be able to watch a tv show in silence with her headphones. To make it extra special, pair it with her Winesulator.
A NO Sound Button
This is the most underrated product around. You know what a shock collar does for dogs? This is the same thing for kids. You can literally train them with it. How do I know? Because I’ve done it. Murphy and his friends know that if I smack it 3, yes three, times, someone’s going home or they’re all out of the house to make mayhem elsewhere. It gives you varying decibels and intonations of NO, but it’s all done with the push of a button. EVERY mom should have one. They should give them out as party favors at baby showers. Best thing ever for $9.12! And if that’s not good enough, you can go for the whole set of No, Yes, Maybe, Sorry buttons for $28.85, and she’ll never have to talk to her kids again unless she really wants to!
Bunmi Laditan’s New Book Confessions of a Domestic Failure
If the mom you’re shopping for is not following Bunmi’s blog, you might want to hook a sister to up it because she’s all of us with a sense of humor and a lot of perspective. Her honest portrayal of motherhood is hilarious and resonates with the best and worst that motherhood has to offer. Give mom a great read and let her know that she’s not the only wondering “how did ketchup get on the ceiling?” and “how many times can I re-wash this load of laundry before I have to throw it out?“ This is a quick and fun read guaranteed to make mom laugh out loud.
A multi-tool designed for survivalists? Oh yes. Yes, indeed. Because someone who’s never been trapped in a car with a kid with a toy that needs new batteries or a Happy Meal toy he can’t open can’t possibly understand the value of an all-in-one device that will help you skin a deer, open a wine bottle, pry the back off of a snot-covered, greasy, smelly, chocolate-entrusted battery panel and then cut the label off a suddenly-world-endingly-offensive tag on the back of a shirt. Motherhood is survival. So if Mom doeesn’t have one of these, get her one. She may look at it oddly at first, but the first time she uses it, she’ll remember you and give you points to use to get out of purgatory someday.
If your mom finds coloring relaxing as many moms do now, you cannot go wrong with a coloring book that pokes fun at all aspects of motherhood. She can laugh while she drinks and relaxes. Throw in some Adult Colored Pencils and you have a fabulous gift for less than $20.
What’s that? It’s not her style? She’s not fancy? I’d bet you money that in her heart of hearts or in some Facebook secret group, mom has wished for a tiara. Even if she only wears it around the house. Even if she wears out grocery shopping. Even if she acts like “what did you get me this for?” Mom is, at some point, going to put that thing on her, look in a mirror and snap a selfie. Trust me. We all want one. Even Sheryl Sandberg is probably wishing for one (only hers wouldn’t cost $15 and is probably made out of real diamonds which were ethically procured and then set in platinum).
Now do you see? The next time Bill, Jr. doesn’t clean up his mess or doesn’t want to do his homework or has friends over when you tell him not to do that, there doesn’t need to be a battle. There doesn’t even need to be a word spoken. Mom can put the lock on the plug to his favorite electronics, grab her chilled wine, put on her headphones, and wait for the work to be done. Ingenious, right? Every mom needs a set of these, and if the Mom for whom you’re shopping is feeling the stress of things, these will give her a break and the upper-hand, at least until the kids make their way to Home Depot with enough money for a bolt-cutter.
Magic 8 Ball
This is not a toy; this is assistive technology and a must-have for every mom who spends her days inundated with questions like “why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?” (it’s only sticky when exposed to oxygen). At least half of the questions can be answered with the 8 Ball, and the other half can be deflected with a simple “Oh NO! Is Google broken?” It’s a true time-saver, and it’s able to be decisive when she can’t even figure out whether to call for pizza or make them eat sandwiches. Pair the 8-ball with Yes No Sparkle Socks, and it’s a perfect gift for a tired mama who will only have to lift one foot off the bed to answer the relentless stream of “Can I…” questions.
There you have our gift guide for any mom who’s raising kids at the moment. The struggle is real, and we all spend too much time struggling and not enough time laughing and sharing parenting hacks. I have a number of the items on this list (see my photo on the About Me page as proof, and I can recommend them seriously as useful things to have around and in jest). I have no idea what Murphy is going to do forthis yearyear, but he usually puts together quite a nice assemblage of food and treats. I hope your kids all do the same for you.
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