I’m so glad that you’re coming tomorrow. So, so glad. Words really do fail. But I’d feel bad if I didn’t try to explain some stuff that has happened. Try to remember, I’ve been sick, and the inmates have been running the asylum.
There’s some bright yellow hair superglued to the kitchen counter. Don’t be alarmed. I think it was an Easter egg mishap before I grabbed the glue stick and took away the Kragl. The men thought superglue was, well, super. And please don’t mistake that for the bright pink spots on the counter. Daniel’s new babyistter is amazing, and yesterday they made brownies with homemade frosting. With hot pink food coloring in it. Without asking me.
Daniel’s bathroom is a mess. Try as I might, his aim (at the toilet) and mine (to keep the bathroom remotely sanitary) remain out of sync (paraphrasing Friend there). Brendan mentioned a puddle near the trash can on Friday, and then he mentioned it was gone. I don’t know what that means; maybe he cleaned it up, maybe it dried up. I haven’t looked. And believe it or not, I do scrape the toothpaste out of his sink myself with some frequency but to no avail. We took your advice and all got new toothbrushes, though I don’t know which one of them is the new one in Daniel’s bathroom. I think it has Mutant Turtles on it.
The miniature horse in the crate is named Millie. Brendan thought the cure for Whooping Cough was a puppy. He swears I said it was the only thing that would get me over the pertussis, and I went and picked her out at a breeder’s house. I have no memory of this. Obviously, he was drunk and I was delusional from the coughing if any of this is to make sense. Yes, I know she’s 18″ tall and weighs 30 pounds, but she’s only 11 weeks old. This is what happens when mom is a huge Chocolate Lab and dad is a huge Bernese Mountain Dog and the boyfriend takes you seriously when you have a fever and can’t breathe from the coughing and say, “Tory Burch is making Birkenstocks this season, so I guess I’ll have to get a puppy cause there are no new sandals to love.” He comes home with a puppy two days later and looks baffled when you look incredulous and stop speaking to him.
Also, she has no manners. She jumps. She nips. She talks. And howls. And sings. Actually, she just has a lot of opinions about things that she shares in a deafening way. She practices her vocal stylings day and night. Telling her to use her “indoor voice” just seems to make her louder. Nugget’s existence makes her completely crazy. So, you’ll probably find him sitting next to her crate washing his paws or sitting on it dangling his tail at her. He’s sensitive like that.
Because of the new addition, the cat litter box got moved into the master bathroom. That’s now a disaster area, too, with three humans, two cats and a wildebeest traipsing through it. I’ve tried to keep after the trailing litter, but I think I’ve failed. We bought a gate, but within about 10 minutes, the dog figured out she could climb it, then that she could jump over it, and finally that if she ran at it head first, it would come down. So, yeah.
We’ve done our best with the Nature’s Miracle and so on, but the place has gotten away from me. There are Legos everywhere, so be careful. The living room is a brightly colored Lego minefield. Well, the Legos that the puppy hasn’t eaten, I mean.
Never let me skip a week again, okay? I mean, even if I have to buy you a Hazmat suit…we can’t go this long without professional intervention.