A lot has happened in the past three weeks, so I thought I’d draft a recap of recent events to make sure that we’re all on the same page and not just going along with “alternative facts”.
After we anointed the Gray Champion (albeit his is more bleachy blonde against the orange than gray unless we’re talking about President Bannon who is gray all over and such a big believer in Gray Champions and the upcoming war that he made a movie about it all, but stay with me) to lead us through the Fourth Turning, a bunch of really pissed off people, mostly women, from all over the world, but mostly from the US, put on pink hats and went for a long walk on a cold Saturday while the Gray Champion went to the CIA and told them he needed bigger and better crowds, the biggest, the best crowds, at his events, all of them, even the ones that he was not going to, and to get to work on that because he didn’t want just any crowds, they had to be the biggest, and none of them could be Moose Lambs. Everyone clapped and wolf-whistled, and no one was paid to do that, and the GC was only mildly annoyed that his drive back to the bowling alley took 3.5 hours because of the pink-hatted chicks.
There were many Executive Orders issued, so many, a great many, all legal, and no one minded, in fact, the people loved them. Except for the one about the immigrants and the refugees and the legal residents at the airports who owned property here because they had green cards. They didn’t love that EO, but they had children who had not been “properly vetted,”, so they needed to be handcuffed and strip-searched (the children, I mean) and then sent back from whence they came along with their parents, relatives and family pets. Then some uppity states got all annoyed because I guess they read The Constitution or some other thing and filed a lawsuit and a judge granted them a restraining order when hello? there are more victims of domestic violence here in the US who can’t even get a restraining order against their abusive spouses (possibly because of the EO that cut funding for domestic violence prevention) but some states can just stroll on into the courthouse and get one? So then the GC and all of his friends got mad because it is the Fourth Turning and he is the Gray Champion, dammit, and no one appreciates what he is doing, so they filed another order back at those states, and there was a hearing that we all listened to, like in the olden days of the late 1930s and the early 1940s before most of us were born, and we huddled around our upscale, fancier radios and listened to the GC’s lawyer talk and wondered if he wished he to be put out his misery as badly as we wished we could help him with that. Thankfully, the GC has been reminding everyone what will happen if people do not get on board with “the ban” (which is my word, not his, because I just used it and per the new EO regarding circular use of words) while the court writes its opinion from its secret nuke-proof bunker somewhere below the seafloor in the Pacific.
There was a tragic massacre at Bowling Green where no one died, and we have had many memorials for those who did not perish, and next month, we are all planning to have a parade and wear green clothes and drink a lot of green beer in their honor on March 17 if you care to put it on your calendar. Also, there was a terrorist attack in Atlanta that was misreported as a failed US raid into Yemen. Because the press is just full of lying liars and incompetents who should be fired. Thirty human beings died there (in Atlanta, to be clear, and definitely not Yemen as the dishonest media is reporting), including women, children and a Navy Seal, at the hands of radical Islamic terrorists, and we are dishonoring the memory of CPO Owens if we don’t lay flowers at the Confederate Memorial.
In retaliation for the attack in Atlanta, we are immediately moving more US carriers into the South China Sea and preparing for war with China, about which Kim Jong Un is very excited according to TMZ, which is still a reliable news source, unlike CNN. Yemen totally loves us, we are their best ally, their soul mate even, and they promised that we can still fly drones there once in a while, but their ports are locked down because of an imminent threat from some foreign country. So apparently, are their airports and military bases. Since no one from the US can get over there because of said lockdown, we have no idea when that situation will change. Thoughts and prayers for it all.
Our schools are about to be fully armed and prepared to battle those thrill-killing grizzlies, so we, as parents and citizens, are relieved and anxiously awaiting news of exactly who is going to be the keeper of the automatic weapons and shooter of the bears in the school yards. Someone finally told Elizabeth Warren to knock off using the big words to make sense in that annoying way that she does, but did she listen? Oh no. So, they explained to her why she needed to sit down and be quiet (because the big words were confusing and annoying to the old men for whom logic is a thing of the past). And even then, she persisted. So they took a vote because hello, we live in a democracy, and then they handed her a red card and told her to go sit in her room until she could behave, like a time out, but on television in the Senate, and she left them to their monosyllabic debate about whether being a Klansman 30 years ago should automatically disqualify you from being in charge of the country’s law enforcement (or if it just gives you a better perspective into the hearts and minds of our people). She still couldn’t get herself to behave, though, and instead of going to her room, she went on all the talk shows where they were happy to let her use her big words and logic because the unfair media hates this administration. She made it a point of saying that she bought her outfit at Nordstrom and her shoes at TJ Maxx, which was nice of her because she does always look good.
I can’t even imagine what the recap of the first 100 days will be like since so much has happened in the first 21. I’m not really clear if we are at the war part of the Fourth Turning or if that is “coming soon”, but when I figure it out, I’ll let you know. Having met Howe and Strauss in person and even done some work with them in my previous life as an academic, I’m a little confused about whether this is what they intended because the seemed so…funny and smart and normal back then. Really, though, they were just commentators and spectators as we all are, and I never got the impression that they believed they were predicting the future, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t. Their families have to be pretty really thrilled about all of this notoriety, and book sales of Generations must soaring.
It’s time for the daily press briefing, and I want to see if Melissa McCarthy still has a job, so I’ll let you all go…