We’ve all knows that our hermit crab, Fries, is a little “off.” Cheeseburger seems perfectly hermit crab (ish). But Fries? And now Fries has removed all doubts about his personality. In a rare, non-Adderall fueled moment of craftiness, I moved the crabs from the bedroom/office to the living room and upgraded them from their 5-gallon tank to a 25-gallon one. I contemplated creating things for them out of the hundred million thousand random Lego pieces we have, then I thought about doing a whole Batman theme out of Imaginext that’s sitting collecting dust, but in the end, I picked through the remains of the various Playmobil sets that are on the spawn’s floor. And I decorated. I even put little people in there. There are the surfer and a couple of pirates, and there was a man, pushing a wheelbarrow.
We moved the crabs into the new crabitat last night, and both went off and hid in the purple house together. The spawn declared that I am the coolest mom ever, and he waited for them to give a crap until he got tired and went to bed. Crabs, like cats, are assholes who do not perform on command. I got up around midnight, and I found Fries chittering and chirping while sitting in the wheelbarrow, looking like he was waiting for the Playmobil guy to take him for a ride. I didn’t have my phone to snap a photo. I went back to bed.
I guess Fries got mad, though, when he didn’t get his ride, I mean, because this morning, all that’s left of the gardener is the arm sticking out of the sand. Fries buried him and dragged his wheelbarrow across the sand. Cheeseburger has pushed a giant shell across the door of the purple house as a barricade. He’s in there alone, clearly taking no chances with his homicidal crabby counterpart. Fries is now in his own house, probably trying to figure out how to off the rest of the Playmobil people.
I think he may be a serial killer crab. Also, since he buried a landscaper, I’m worried he might be a Trump-supporting crab who racially/ethnically profiled the gardener as an undocumented worker, and instead of just tossing him out of the tank, murdered him.