In less than twenty (unsupervised) minutes, the baby Jesus lost both his hands, Mary lost an ear and part of her mantle, the shepherd boy’s sheep is in smithereens and one of the wise men is split in two. Apparently, this occurred in an epic battle with the Skylanders, which the Nativity set lost horrifically. While I was folding the laundry. – December 3, 2011
Some of you will remember the awful battle between the Skylanders and the Nativity Set in 2011, where the (ceramic) Nativity Set tragically lost to the plastic warriors, the new kitten, Nugget (now known as the Dark Lord Cheeto) ate the baby Jesus under the Christmas tree, and the whole set was destroyed by the expensive little space critters, each of which cost $10.99. I refused to buy another breakable set, so we went with Fisher Price, and then we moved on to Playmobil.
Last night, the spawn asked me if he could rearrange things because he couldn’t “find all of the pieces”. Like I cared? After this past month? I was busy whining on Facebook about my lack of wine and bourbon and all other adult beverages. So, this is what I woke to.
It seems that Mary and Joseph said, “Fork this crap,” upon learning that the only place to stay was a manger. They, with their camel, moved through the village, where they came upon Santa and a wise man, who must have been problematic because they smited them. They did spare the reindeer, though, who apparently thought the manger looked like pretty good digs and returned. I didn’t ask what happened to the sleigh, and I forgot to question why the reindeer didn’t just fly away. I guess the sheep were hungry because they seem to be picking over the dead remains, which may be a nod to The Walking Dead because according to the spawn, Jesus and Lazarus were, in fact, zombies at one point. Note the Christmas goat at the manger (remember when spawn did not want to be Gabriel in the Nativity Play at Our Lady of the Assumption and instead insisted he be allowed to be a goat which was not actually a part). Good times, folks. But I digress.
Mary, pregnant, craving real food, in a bad mood that only a close-to-the-due-date pregnant woman could understand, and sick and tired of worrying about how she was going to take care of her baby, told Joseph to make himself useful and go find her a castle where they could be safe, warm and comfortable. I can relate to her in this tale. I feel this way. Obviously, Mary was used to a higher standard of living in this version of the story than in the original. My Joseph is still pretending to be a farmer in Tiverton, RI, but again, I digress. This isn’t about me. But this Joseph, probably scared to death by his hormonal, mysteriously pregnant fiancee listened. And so he did go find her a castle. And somehow took control of it, created a fortress to keep them safe and became ruler of the land. He crowned himself king, crowned Mary queen, and (best part?) hired an actual Angel to be Jesus’ nanny.
Spectacular, hmmm? The spawn is quite proud of his re-telling of this tale as old as time. I’m impressed, too. Crown Prince Nedward is eyeing the whole scene skeptically, and Cheeto is watching from under the tree to make sure that none of them get any ideas about his role in this story. Eleven more days, folks. Eleven more days.