The Five Stages of Cat Grief (by Dark Lord Cheeto):
1. Hiding (12- 16 hours): Stay on the top shelf of the closet or under the bed until the dust settles. Do not be observed. Do not come when called. Humans may confuse this with sleeping.
2. Seeking (20 – 30 minutes): Walk around caterwauling plaintively, which will make the humans feel sorry for you while allowing you to make sure that, indeed, the other quadripeds are gone from your universe.
3. Assessing (3 – 5 days): Act like everything is normal in case the quadripeds have temporarily relocated and return. Begin to plot your next steps in case you are lucky enough to have rid yourself of the others. Humans will interpret this as coping.
4. Delusions (7 days): Understand that the others are gone and give in to the fantasy that you, and you alone, successfully orchestrated their departure. Seize the moment and exude the feline pride that you feel. Strut. Preen. Plan. Sleep in peace. Humans should display awe as they begin to respect and fear your power.
5. Megalomania (the rest of your existence on this plane): Accept that you are on your true path to world domination. Use the humans to serve you, and punish them severely when they do not. Watch reruns of Highlander and embrace the motto “there can be only one.” Refuse to eat food you do not prefer while complaining loudly day and night. Knock breakable things from shelves at 2AM three or four times a week; sleep deprived humans are easier to control. Force the humans to feed you from their plates and vomit up things you do not like next to them while they eat. Demand attention and reverence from everyone who walks through your door. Make sure that all who enter leave covered with your fur and dander. Secure the humans account to Amazon, so that if you need to dispatch them, you can have your food delivered. Set up social media accounts so that you can exert your influence everywhere. Humans will comply with all of your demands and fear your anger forevermore.