Daniel to server: “I’m goin’ commando. My mother forgot to pack my underwear. It’s thurfree days now.” I give him the Death Stare across the table, which he pretends not to see. 20 yo Server: “Well, that’s not good. You need underpants But I like your tattoos. They’re pretty cool. I love dragons. Are they REAL????” Daniel: “My mudder spends money on some stuff, like my tattoos. They ARE real. And ice cream and candy. She fed me ice cream all day today while she drank wine on the boat. This is my first real food since breakfast. But she said she wasn’t going to spend $17 on boxers so I have to go commando.” Server: “Well, I guess we all have our priorities” as she wanders off and returns with an entire BOWL of maraschino cherries for him (like they’re a fruit, with nutritional value). In my head: “Listen
Dear College That Had Me Spend 6.5 Hours Interviewing Today, You should have offered me, at the very least, a danish, if not a sammich, though I do appreciate the AA who “stole” me a bottle of water from another meeting at 1PM. I am not enthralled or impressed. Epic Fail. Sincerely, The Candidate Whose Salary Demands Have Just DOUBLED.— in West Windsor, NJ. West Windsor, New Jersey City · West Windsor, New Jersey
From the back seat: “Jesus is like the King of all Zombies.” Me: “Jesus is NOT a zombie.” Back Seat: “He got dead then undead. The undead are zombies.” Me: “Zombies eat brains. Jesus never ate anyone’s brains.” Back Seat: “Were you in that church? Jesus ate all their brains. They sing to statues. He’s been eating brains for millions of years. And those people were eating his brains, too, to make more zombies.” Me: “WHAT???” Back Seat: “That Body of Christ thing when everybody ate Jesus. Brains are parts of the bodies. They’re ALL zombies, Mom.” Me: ‘Aaahhrrggghhhaaa…” Back Seat: “Do NOT try to make me be a zombie churcher, too.” Me: “You’re going to school there.” *awesome realization that your kid knows more about zombies than God*
The Elf on the Shelf has bitten the dust. Having been threatened with death three days ago “I’m going to kill you, Elf, if you tell Santa” (in Daniel’s best Damien from the Omen voice), he was then thrown in a dark trash can so he couldn’t report what was going on back to the North Pole. Tonight, he ended up drowned, in a toilet, because “No one likes a tattletale elf, Mom.” I hope Santa brings me gift cards to Wine & Spirits…
In less than twenty (unsupervised) minutes, the baby Jesus lost both his hands, Mary lost an ear and part of her mantle, the shepherd boy’s sheep is in smithereens and one of the wise men is split in two. Apparently, this occurred in an epic battle with the Skylanders, which the Nativity set lost horrifically. While I was folding the laundry.
So yesterday morning, I was sure we were heading for surgery today. There is an earlier note about Daniel’s travails with cysts in his eye (see Note about DYFS). The problem goes back to early August, when the first one appeared. It’s been an on-again, off-again battle since. On Sunday night, when the dervish finally went to sleep at 10:30, I noticed the big lump under his eyelid. I’d seen what I thought was another cyst growing earlier in the week, and I’d started the flaxseed oil horse pills and the compresses (again), but this looked bad. I pulled the lid out, and there was an enormous (for his little eye) pulsing, black blob of blood under there. I flipped. In mere hours, the clear blister had turned to blood. I called the pediatrician, who called the on-call opto-dude at CHOP, who told her to tell me to watch it,
Today, Daniel and I went back to CHOP to see the Chief of Pediatric Opthalmology about his eye. For nine weeks, there has been a cyst just under his lower eyelid. We’ve done the warm compresses to death, as Dr. Katowitz advised, and we were back for the check up. I was fully expecting to leave with surgery scheduled. Surprisingly, there was no wait. He called us back before we sat down. He asked how the eye had been. “No change at all,” I reported. “Not bigger, not smaller, not redder, and it never oozed pus.” You only get to say this kind of cool stuff when you’re a mother. “Hmmm.” Out came the giant Canon camera and for a few minutes he maneuvered Daniel’s eyelids as he snapped shots in what I can only imagine were 10,000 megapixels. “It’s healed, but what you’re looking at now is the callous.
Probably, everyone has that one person at work with whom they never want to tangle. That loony, difficult, often outright aggressive one that everyone avoids but is kept around because s/he brings in the bank. Here, we have one who is a former Immaculate Heart nun. While we think it odd that a former nun would be working at an institution owned and run by the same order she left, recent speculation is that she actually beat the children too hard during the 1960s and so did not voluntarily leave the order but may have been kicked out. And yeah, for those not doing the math, she’s like 80. And a terror. So when my phone rang yesterday, and she sounded all kind and fake-perplexed, I knew something was up, and it couldn’t be good. It turns out she was demanding information about a course she was running that was
A few nights ago, I went out to put out the trash, and I ran into the probably “in for homicide” rather than “in homicide” neighbor out front where he was talking to someone in a strange car. (See post about my hard-of-hearing mother and what had to be her miscontruing a conversation with this guy). “HI Karin!” I heard from the dark. “Uh, hi…” I responded with reluctance, a roll of my eyes and a silent prayer of thanks that Daniel was inside. “How’s your little boy Daniel?” Oh. No. He. Did. Not. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Really creepy-dude? I know you’re not currently listed on the Megan’s Law registry, cause I check it twice a week just for you, but just the sound of my child’s name on your lips is enough to make me want to call a cop. I bite
So, last night I told Daniel that he had to take a shower because tomorrow was a special day – we were going to go to Nonna’s for his early birthday cake because Aunt Kate wanted to sing “Happy Birthday” to him and wouldn’t be able to on his actual birthday because she would be too sick. Daniel (indignant, the temptation of gifts soaring over his head): “I thought you said we were going to visit Jesus tomorrow” Me: “Yes, first we’re going to go to church. And we have to be quiet and listen to the priest talk when we’re there.” Why are we going to church now when I’ve managed to only have him in church twice in his almost 5 years (once for his christening and once for a children’s Christmas pageant)? My mother. She’s concerned about his spiritual development. She thinks he needs to learn about