My child will be absent from school again today. Sorry. I don’t remember when he was there last. Thursday? Wednesday? Realistically, this whole process would be easier if I could just write to you when he is going to be there, but since we’re not wasting paper and that’s PC and green, whatever. I almost feel like we’re family; we talk more than I do to anyone else these days. I took him to Urgent Care on Saturday. Don’t believe me? Read THIS. They called it a severe cold virus, but I looked on the internet, and per the Mayo Clinic, I’m pretty sure it’s Legionnaire’s. His pediatrician’s office said, “God NO,” when I asked if they’d see him yesterday, and my favorite Monday nurse (remember her?) said it’s normal to have a fever and cough for up to 21 days and to make sure he’s peeing. Don’t worry, I didn’t let him hear that.
He’s taken up residence in my bedroom because he says it “smells like mommy” and that makes him feel better, but I don’t believe him. He can’t smell anything with all that nasal congestion. He’s gone through 56 boxes of tissues in 3 days and is, at this moment, tearing the boxes into little pieces and “making his own jigsaw puzzle” whatever the hell that means. And why? He’s holed up in there with all of the electronics he could forage from the rest of the place and his Easter Basket and is insisting that “a bath would KILL me. Sick people shouldn’t get wet!” like he’s a freaking Gremlin or something. I’m hiding in a corner of the laundry room with my phone and laptop because I stopped being able to cope a month ago and he won’t look for me here because there’s laundry to fold and cleaning supplies he might be asked to use. Last night, he demanded to know what they did when people got consumption in the “olden days,” and I said drank whiskey and died singing, and now he’s demanding whiskey while I google ways to burn the house down the way they blew up the CDC at the end of Season 1 of The Walking Dead because it has to burn; there is no other way. Clorox is no match for his having coughed whatever pathogens are in him on every surface in here. Only total decontamination will work. Please leave whiskey and military-grade explosives on the doorstep, and I’ll take it from there.
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