In our next episode of “As the Hermit Crab World Turns”…
Murph (urgent): Mom! Come here! Fries is having sex with a strawberry!
Me (so much nope): What? No. How? That’s not even possible.
Murph (really insistent): Seriously, Mom. He dragged the biggest piece into his hut, and now he’s sitting on it, singing really loud.
Me (tired): That’s not sex. That’s just weird. Obviously, he’s emotionally disturbed.
Murph (indignant): Oh, no. It’s sex. I know sex when I see it. You have to see his antennas moving and hear him. He’s going for it. With fruit.
Murph (annoyed): You need to get the webcam working right away. Freaky people would pay to watch crab porn, and I need a college fund.
Me (incredulous): How do you even know these things?
Murph: I TOLD YOU NOT TO MAKE ME DO THAT FAMILY LIFE UNIT!!!