VM TO Dr.: Hi, I have a terrible stabbing pain in my heel pretty much all of the time. It started about three weeks ago and keeps getting worse. It was really bad at 2AM, so I looked on doIhavecancer.com and I am certain that I have foot cancer. I can’t walk on it or stand up straight, so could you let me know when you can amputate? Also, I have about 750 pairs of flip flops. Do you know of any organizations that will take the right one of every pair? Do you think it will mean half price pedicures for life?
VM FROM Dr.: Hello, Karin. I’m so sorry to hear that you have foot cancer, but I’m very happy to hear that you avoided all of the intrusive and painful diagnostic testing I would have done to rule out things like heel spurs, plantar fasciitis or a broken bone before going right to generalized cancer of the foot. You saved a lot of time not resting, taking Alleve, using frozen tennis balls to stretch it and wearing things on your feet that could actually be classified as shoes with arch support and cushioned heels to see if there was any improvement. I probably would have even recommended steroid injections before amputation if all of that didn’t work first. Those websites will be the reason my kids can’t go to college. They’re going to put me out of business. None of my surgeon friends will accept a diagnosis from the interwebs, and I don’t have operating privileges anywhere, but if you want to come over to my house on Saturday, you can drink some whiskey, I’ll wipe it off with betadine and remove the offending appendage with the chain saw I’m going to use to trim my trees. I saw it on episode of Criminal Minds, and I’m pretty sure I can do a better job than the serial killer.