I have a wonderful colleague who thought that she’d gone into (a bit early) labor around noon with her first baby. We had a conference call about the disastrous, hopelessly behind, never-ending, constantly stressful project we are assigned to at 1:30. Her boss, an Indian woman with the social skills of a rabid raccoon, starts call with “Well, at least she AHEAD with something she’s doing…” And yeah…deafening silence ensued. I work with the classiest people. I really do.
From the files of you can’t make this s**t up: Evil Sorta Indian Woman Boss gets note from client that key member of approval team has had major surgery and cannot approve documents until next week. She instructs one of her minions to write to the client and tell them we are sending their (unapproved, unreviewed) documents to production without the agreed-upon approvals. No “sorry you fell ill” (likely due to stress of this project). No “get well soon”.
Brilliant minion writes “Per Evil Woman, we will…” Kudos to her for having some sense about how to deal with the client who does not pay us and basically hates us.
I consider just being quiet but my sense of the absurd gets the better of me.
Email to utterly stupid, “shoot from the hip then clean up the bodies” boss: “I hate to get involved here. I mean, I really, really, really hate to get involved. But they haven’t posted those documents to our site. He emailed them to the woman who just had surgery. So when you send that really insulting email, could you ask for the documents? Otherwise, there’s nothing to send to production. Happy Friday!”
My boss and co-workers are meeting with our clients this week, and being the team player I always am, I declined to travel and offered to “man the fort” (read hold down my sofa) for them while they were away.
Text from boss: “I wish you were here in this hotel room with me to <insert graphic imagery ala “Fifty Shades of Grey here>”.
Me (after due consideration given to throwing phone in garbage disposal): “I am not your boyfriend.”
Boss: “Oh, right. I have taken so much oxycontin today to zone out of these meetings I forgot.”
An hour passes.
Boss: “Are you there?”
Me: “Yeah, I was just searching for the number for HR.”
Boss: “When you find it, ask them why I haven’t gotten my tax forms yet for me?”
True story. Sigh. I really need some Girl Scout cookies. And Nyquil.
Some of you know that the University of Utah in Salt Lake City has been pulling out all the stops trying to recruit me to a VP job there doing assessment. Flattering, of course, to be so wanted, but I’ve been ignoring them for 10 days. I mean, I turned down MIT in December because they would not move to Florida or let me work remotely 6 months of the year. So, this morning, I talked to their guy, Neldon (yeah, Neldon) about the job.
He went on and on about the job and did the hard sales pitch about Utah’s many wonders. And the whole moving package. And the $185K a year. Wow, really? I could live like a rock star for that kind of bank in Utah. But then…
Me: “What about some sister wives? I think I’d like two.”
Silence. Nervous laughter. More silence. Deafening silence.
Neldon: “Not everyone out here is Mormon, and there are no sister wives in the package. You’re kind of funny. It’s good you have a sense of humor.”
Me (not being funny): “Too bad about the sister wives, you know. That could really have tipped it. I realize they wouldn’t fix me a drink at the end of the day, and my kidlet would end up best friends with a kid named Nephi and his Uncle Lemuel, who is a year younger than they are. It’s a very confusing place, Utah is, but I could have made it work for some sister wives.”
“Awesome. Can you check on the magical underwear, too? I’d like some magic underpants, and if you could throw some of them into the deal we could keep talking.”
Politeness about getting back to me.
So I called my mother and told her.
She advises: “You’re so good at what you do. You just have to decide what you’re chasing. Money? Power? Title?”
Me: “Weather. I am chasing warm weather. If this were University of South Florida, I’d be packing.”
$10 says Neldon will actually call back and try again.